Somewhere in our cold steel-plated hearts there is a soft spot for those less fortunate than us. And though we often feel guilty for turning a blind eye to those poor folks who beg for change at the bus stop or stroll up and down the metro train asking for money to get out of the subway, we can’t help but to ask ourselves, “Where do we draw the damn line?”

There has to be a breaking point when it becomes okay to scream at beggars and panhandlers – using our outside voice, of course – to tell them that the only thing we can spare is the Employment section of a newspaper.

Guilt is nothing but life’s gag gift. It’s just an unfunny way for the universe to laugh at us for one thing or another. However there are some times when you can return that unwanted poorly wrapped swag bag. No one is – or should be – stupid enough to feel compelled to offer their hard earned funds to people whose hardest [and only] job is to beg for spare change. The average person would be more than happy to oblige sparing an ass whooping, but there’s not much one can buy with that.

“Dear Mr. & Mrs. Beggar, I wish I could help you this time but I really don’t want to.”

Seriously, enough is enough! As if watching those horribly sad Save the Children infomercials weren’t enough to guilt us into giving our last dime, here you come bombarding us with your liquor-stained breath as you attempt to make your sob stories even more saddening than the poor kids over in the mother land who suffer from kwashiorkor. And on top of it all, you come begging with an asking price! It’s no longer $.50. You ask for anything anywhere between $2.00 – $5.00. That’s just enough money to go out and by yourself a ½ or whole pint of gin, vodka, or any cheap brand of dark liquor.

With the economy the way it is now, who the hell can afford to make ends meet and buy your booze? Sure, you may want us to believe that you’re not an alcoholic but trust me, the smell of liquor seeping out of your pores is a dead give away! And you try to mask that scent with a heart wrenching, “Excuse me sir, can you help me buy a sandwich?” HELP YOU BUY??? What are you bringing to the damn table?

Look, don’t get me wrong. I’m not encouraging people to put a pad lock on their wallets and spray ‘Begger-Begone’ all over themselves like it’s some kind of insect repellant. What I am encouraging is for people to realize that they don’t have to be bamboozled into paying for someone else’s bump. Especially if they’re not at a nightclub getting someone all liquored up in hopes of getting lucky later on. Believe me, what you won’t give them, some poor, unsuspecting and obviously affluent fool will. Whether that fool is you or the person standing next to you, you can rest assured that it won’t be me! Even if I have to try really really hard to be tight with my change, I find comfort in knowing that 90% of any effort is getting started.

For more funny rants like this one, be sure to visit www.HottywoodHelps.com!

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As much as we’d all like to think, no one is perfect. That includes yours truly and public metro. This week, I have the less-than-fun privilege of traveling the roads of the underground ghetto. The world known to most commoners as the subway system.

The subway system isn’t just a land full of grumpy caffeine-deprived workaholics and disrespectful school-aged kids who curse out old people before stepping foot onto school grounds. It’s also a place where people go to get their purses snatched, where trains go to rest in the middle of rush hour and where the completely misunderstood accidentally fall into the train tracks. It could be quite a fun experience if you’re able to omit the violence, schedule delays, train collisions and hiked fares.

Even with all the chaos of the morning and afternoon rush and the uncertainty of your safety when night has covered the day sky, metro seems to be charging us more money to cover up their lack of proficiency in the safety and convenience of its riders. Personally I never took interest in this situation because I have pigeon wings on the soles of my shoes. It just so happened that as I was strolling along in a wrong place at a wrong time, one of my shoe wings was attacked by a savage stray alley cat, which of course caused temporary damage and is now preventing me from flying my ass to work just before the tardy bell sounds. But that’s a whole other story.

As I sat uncomfortably between the smelly old guy who donned white socks and black dress shoes and the woman who had cookie crumbs peeking at me from her cleavage, I learned something about myself. I learned that I’d probably be a little more open to poking my eyes out with a spork [half spoon-half fork] versus sitting on a hot ass train with a band of weirdos. Beam me up, Scottie. I don’t belong here!

Trying desperately not to punch the old guy in his big toe or stare at the woman’s chunky crumbed breasts, I dreaded the end of my metro experience as the voice from the loud speaker informed me that the escalators weren’t working at my destination point. Naturally, I thought this was a perfect end to a hellacious trip. “Dear Metro, you need to get this sh*t together.” It’s so hard to believe that a system so seasoned to perfection can be so damn flawed. And yet with broken wings, there I sit awaiting my doom, way below 6ft under. How fitting is that?

The underground ghetto, aka the subway, is a very unpredictable place. You never know what awaits you at the next station stop: an electrical fire; the country western polka group playing a small concert to uninterested spectators; the wino who hopped the metro gate or the employees who complain very loudly about their dead-end jobs. As entertaining as it may be to witness the sights of metro’s public access riders, no truer phrase comes to mind than that old saying that goes, “It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”

For more funny blogs like this one, be sure to check out www.HottywoodHelps.com!

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Today I went to Sombrero Mexican Food on W. Main St. in El Cajon, CA. Upon walking up to the register I notice that the cashier has her back to the restaurant and is gossiping with the drive-thru cashier. They proceed to yap and yap and yap for about 5 minutes before the cashier helping walk-up customers notices me. Denise, the cashier, turns and sees me and says snottily, “what do you want?”. I order my burrito and hand her my credit card. She takes it and asks to see ID. I show her my ID and she rips the paper receipt from the credit card machine and slaps it down on the counter with a pen and slides it toward me not saying a word. She really appears pissed that I interrupted her conversation by ordering my food. Silly me, it is a restaurant. What was I thinking?

Sombrero has awesome food and when I am in the area of one I usually stop in for lunch. This one will now be passed up so I can spare Denise the inconvenience of helping a customer.

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