AllTurd Reality

I had a really great weekend and some excellent pussy. However, I have a neighbor that is nothing but a cunt. I am really a nice person, but, I find myself wanting to do mean things to this bitch. Should I feel bad about this??

This post was submitted by Thefakejayleno.

My roommates kid has an issue making it though the night without peeing where he’s sleeping. Whether it’s his bed, dad’s bed, the couch, the living room carpet…you name it he’s pissing on it. You get the idea. Dad and I have talked about it and he really doesn’t seem to care. He dismissed the issue like it is normal. I guess sitting in a piss soaked couch is cool with him.

I suggested cutting the kid off at 6pm from drinking sodas, but he said that wont work… he’s tried that before. Ok, maybe try it forever and not just one night?!? Let’s see what happens then, eh?!? Just a thought.

I’m getting rather tired of washing couch cushions after he leaves for his mom’s house. Speaking of mom’s house, why is there not an issue there? Maybe because she cuts him off after dinner!?! And makes him go to the bathroom before bed!?!

Dude, grow a set!!! Be a father not a friend!!! Man the fuck up!!! Teach your child about hygiene and help train him to control his friggin bladder. Damn.

Here is a play by play just this week:

-Friday he pissed couch
-Monday he pissed his bed
-Tuesday dad and kid sat in pissed on bed and watched tv. Kid pissed bed again.
-Wedensday kid pissed the old pissed on mattress taken from garage that was put in the front room.
-Thursday he pissed on old mattress again.

If you are wondering how old the kid is……He’s 11. Sad.

This post was submitted by BKALLDAY79.

Dear Traffic,

It’s time we had a little chat. I can’t remember the last time I heard of someone sitting down to tell you exactly how much bullsh*t you’re worth. You are evil and rude and vindictive and I personally don’t like it.

As I sat in my car, singing out of tune at the top of my voice to that song I hate so much, but can’t help singing because I’ve heard it a dozen times (with all the cars on the road being at a complete stand still and all), I had time to think of what I’d say to you if I ever caught your ass alone on the street — off duty.

You’d better be lucky I can’t physically put my hands on you, because if I could the convo would go something like this; I’d start off by grabbing you by the collar and looking you dead in the eye, in fact, I’d look in both your eyes with only one of mine, kind of like a pirate [for the intimidation effect] and say:

“Damn you! Damn you, Traffic, for the loud horns and the inconsiderate school kids sticking out their tongues and giving me the middle finger as they scurry back and forth in front of my car. Where’s a safety patrol when you need one? Damn you for making me miss my doctor’s appointments, staff meetings and one hour sales. Curses for making me miss happy hour by 15 minutes! I blame unneeded construction on you. I blame potholes on you. I blame broken traffic signals, slow walking old people and suicidal stray cats all on you. It’s your fault, Traffic. Do you hear me???”

At this point you’d probably give me a blank stare, kind of like you’re doing now, with an irritating smirk on your face, followed by a weak laugh — almost as if to ask, “What are you going to do about it?” Oh, but I’ll tell you what I’d do about it. I’d tie you down with duct tape and toss your ass in the middle of the train tracks with two speeding steam locomotives coming at you from both directions. I’m not sure if I’d wait for the collision or not, but I am pretty positive that I’d find great pleasure in your panic. The same panic that I feel as I dash through my office doors, hoping my supervisor doesn’t catch me; the same panic that I feel as I try to sneak into the church sanctuary without being called out by the minister; the very same panic I feel when I’m late picking up the kids from day-care, and the day-care teacher has a hot date…the first one in like, forever!

You see, Traffic, if we could only compromise a little bit, then I wouldn’t have to track you down like a hunter during duck-hunting season. All you need to do is fix it so that all the green lights remain green until I’ve passed. Oh, and maybe keep a giant umbrella over my car when it rains. Because you know as well as I do that people in the city can’t drive in the rain…or the snow…or at night…or…well you get my point.

So if you don’t want your ass beat, then I suggest you rethink your routine and give it a rest, already. Stick your nose in the business of morning and evening mayhem only when I’m nowhere to be found on the streets. All it takes is a little effort. And a wise man once said 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week: “Only a fool tests deep waters with both feet.”

To read more funnies like this one, be sure to check out www.HottywoodHelps.com!

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This post was submitted by Hottywood Helps.

While trying to download a legal trial version of the Adobe Dreamweaver software off the Adobe website I encountered a problem. To download software from Adobe, it uses this third party software called Akamai Download Manager, which does not work on a Mac or PC. Adobe knows this but isn’t doing anything about it. Every time you try and run this Akamai Download Installer program, you get an “Install Error, Failed to install client: Disk I/O failure, Aborting Download.” And then thats it. No other options. I called Adobe to try and figure it out and at first they tried to deny there was a problem and wanted me to pay the $10.99 for the 30 Day trial DVD. After further grilling, I got him to admit that it was a Mac problem. When told it was a PC Problem too, he acted surprised.

I don’t understand why they would use this software that doesn’t work. Well I kinda do. They don’t want you downloading and pirating the trial version so they trick you into paying the $10.99 for the Trial DVD. Fuck You Adobe! I’ll Pirate your shit if I want. Maybe if you didn’t charge so much for your software, and then come out with a minor new version every year, I wouldn’t Pirate it!

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This post was submitted by Sean.

Last night, my wife and I were at the Irvine Spectrum getting dinner and shopping on a (early) Valentine’s Day night out. We wanted to know when the shops closed so we could grab some dinner before and stopped into Wet Seal to ask a clerk. My wife looked around a bit and when some extremely large and somewhat angry store employee came up to ask how we are doing, my wife said fine and asked her if she could…..

The bitch heard (or didn’t care to listen) “we’re fine” and took off the other direction. When my wife went to ask her another question, the employee acted as if she didn’t hear us and walked away. My wife followed her and she ducked into a back room as if to avoid us and hide. WTF is this shit? We needed to know the store hours and could have needed help with a size or something but she would never know.

We then waited for the one other employee who was at the cash register to be available to talk to. She was in the zone and only dealing with her one customer in line at a time. We tried to chime in, saying “excuse me” a few times, but she wasn’t having it at all. Finally we asked really loudly WHEN DO YOU CLOSE? She looked at us annoyed and answered.

Fuck you Wet Seal and fuck your angry sea lion employee bitches who don’t seem to like their job or value customers at all. None of our money will be coming your way.